From Fear to Faith

Baldilocks Talks: Episode Two is here.

And ...

I have a problem. I’ve had it all my life.

It’s the fear that anything I want and work for will not come to pass.

Before God got ahold of me and for some time afterward, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As an adult, I reached out for many things – things which normal, functioning, and gifted adults reach for all the time. Family, children, education, career.

Reaching for such things, I’ve had my hand slapped down so many times that I stopped trying.

It became a feedback loop. I was afraid to try and fail again but I was also afraid to stop trying because what would the end result of that be? For years, this fear has been a huge source of anxiety.

The anxiety is clamping down my abdomen even as I type this.

Ever since I started writing in public, I’ve had dozens of people tell me that I’m gifted, but deep down, I felt that they were all just being nice to me. Meanwhile, I’ve watched as communicators who are similar to me in ability, ideology, and content rocket past me in all areas of success, especially in the Big Two: reach and finances. And, of course, the former leads to the latter.

I started to believe that I was cursed. And guess what! I was right.

I had curse myself through unbelief; through lack of faith in God.

Before God drew me to Christ, there was an “excuse” for this way of thinking, but not anymore.

Some who read this might point the finger at me and accuse me of “playing the victim.” Well, guess what! They are right, too.

I have been a victim of listening to the Adversary’s voice. That voice had almost become my own.

Well, join me in rebuking that merger in the name of Jesus the Christ.

I restarted my Patreon show, Baldilocks Talks, in part to stretch out my hand in faith rather than cower in fear. I have been not pleased with my own performance and I can feel the pull to give up.

Well, screw that, too.

The other reason I restarted the show in that, again, I’m in financial straits.

A confession: since I moved out of homeless housing in 2015, I’ve been a recipient of Veteran’s Section 8. But I took in too many donations last year and I’m now going to get the boot.

Thank God for being set free!!!!

But I still have bills to pay: rent, utilities, insurance. The usual; also I need a new phone. This month it’s about $3000.

God will provide if I keep pushing in faith. So, that’s what I’m going to do.

I have three projects I need to finish in the next few days: two transcripts for my two already-published Patreon shows; and the Big One: I want to finish the Supernatural Series I started in December. (In a sense, that series started when I was four years old.)

And Dave and I will produce another episode of Baldilocks Talks in less than a week.

While I’m doing that, please pray for me and please ...

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